Calm down! An Interfaith Reflexion on Anger

The Hulk, a fiction character that illustrates anger. "A man or a moster?"; anger can make you look like a moster, but you are still human. To be inclusive the comic book writers and great artists created a female Hulk; I guess to state that also women can get very angry, although, that one did not look so much as a moster. Maybe an intentional desception to deceive or to show how anger can be as destructive in

something that looks normal as a well planned war with the latest technology as it is in some of the horrible atrocities done by humans against humans. A reasonable scientist becoming an irrational creature, just as anger leads humans to be in war. Regardless of the reason for the development of these characters, anger remains the moster while you are the human who can control it.

הֶ֭אֱמַנְתִּי כִּ֣י אֲדַבֵּ֑ר אֲ֝נִ֗י עָנִ֥יתִי מְאֹֽד׃ אֲ֭נִי אָמַ֣רְתִּי בְחׇפְזִ֑י כׇּֽל־הָאָדָ֥ם כֹּזֵֽב׃

Psalm 116:11-12

The writer of these words confessed that although he (or she) had trusted or had faith in (God), perhaps in a moment of anger rushed to say that all human beings are liars, a lie in itself. Anger rushes us to say and do things we regret later. Never act or speak in anger.

In the Christian tradition is taught: ὀργίζεσθε καὶ μὴ ἁμαρτάνετε· ὁ ἥλιος μὴ ἐπιδυέτω ἐπὶ παροργισμῷ ὑμῶν (Ephesians 4:26). This is a quote from Psalm 4:4 in the Greek translation known as Septuagint or LXX. Although the Hebrew text is not exactly the same, the concept is within the Jewish understanding about human behaviour and what God expects from us. Do not rush to speak or act in anger. It will always lead to sin.

Acting or speaking out of anger will lead to hurt others emotionally. Often some of the major personal to international conflicts have come out of someone’s uncontrolled anger.

We get anger when we are hurt. Being hurt or insulted by someone you love; it is more painful than what an enemy could say or do.

Yes, we should never let the day goes by and we are still angry. It will hurt you emotionally and eventually physically, e.g., heart problems. Calm down. Go for a walk. Sometimes a very long walk can help.

Of course, forgiveness helps and it is ideal. However, do not keep placing yourself at the mercy of whoever keeps hurting you and triggering your anger. Sometimes you have to keep a safe distance from that person, even if it is a beloved relative. You still love and care for that relative or friend. You would help in anything you can if able, but you cannot place yourself in circumstances in which that person could hurt you again with his/her words or behaviour.

Be honest with the person who hurts you. Let him/her know you were hurt and how. Keeping inside each and every moment of insults or disrespectful words or actions will eventually lead to an anger that could get out of control. Do not let that happen. Search for a mediator if you do not feel safe talking to that person by yourself. If you find yourself in need of talking with that person, for example he/she is a coworker, always have someone else present who is able to help the communication between you and the other person. Misunderstandings are always a cause for anger.

The popular saying, attributed to Jesus of Nazareth, “turn the other cheek” is often misunderstood. It does not mean to let others abuse you. In its context it discourages the reader or listeners from the use of violence against others.  No, you do not have to let anyone humiliate you over and over again. You can simply move away peacefully and keep a safe distance.

If you do have an anger problem, simple incidents are taken out of proportion and you get easily irritated, then seek professional help. Take time for meditation, reflection, conversation with your Rabbi, Priest, Pastor, or Imam, or religious spiritual leader of your community of faith.

We all get angry in life, at least once. We all can manage our anger and prevent it from overwhelming us by causing emotional or physical harm to ourselves (again, heart failures at times are caused by anger). Anger hurts more the person who is angry than the person that you got angry about.  So, calm down! Relax. Go for a walk.

ט֤וֹב אֶ֣רֶךְ אַ֭פַּיִם מִגִּבּ֑וֹר וּמֹשֵׁ֥ל בְּ֝רוּח֗וֹ מִלֹּכֵ֥ד עִֽיר׃

Proverb 16:32 (cf. Pirke Avot 4:1)

Self-control always; be master over your anger, that will make you strong. Be the master of your emotions.

רַבִּי אֱלִיעֶזֶר אוֹמֵר יְהִי כְבוֹד חֲבֵרְךָ חָבִיב עָלֶיךָ כְּשֶׁלָּךְ וְאַל תְּהִי נוֹחַ לִכְעֹס וְשׁוּב יוֹם אֶחָד לִפְנֵי מִיתָתְךָ

Pirke Avot 2:10

In the Torah we read:

וַיַּעֲבֹ֨ר יי עַל־פָּנָיו֮ וַיִּקְרָא֒ יי  ׀  יי אֵ֥ל רַח֖וּם וְחַנּ֑וּן אֶ֥רֶךְ אַפַּ֖יִם וְרַב־חֶ֥סֶד וֶאֱמֶֽת׃

Exodus 34:6 (cf. Micah 7:18)

The Lord is slow to get angry. We have plenty of what happens when God let anger take place. We rather be slow to anger like the Almighty.

Maimónides wrote:

אָסוּר לָאָדָם לִהְיוֹת אַכְזָרִי וְלֹא יִתְפַּיֵּס אֶלָּא יְהֵא נוֹחַ לִרְצוֹת וְקָשֶׁה לִכְעֹס וּבְשָׁעָה שֶׁמְּבַקֵּשׁ מִמֶּנּוּ הַחוֹטֵא לִמְחל מוֹחֵל בְּלֵב שָׁלֵם וּבְנֶפֶשׁ חֲפֵצָה. וַאֲפִלּוּ הֵצֵר לוֹ וְחָטָא לוֹ הַרְבֵּה לֹא יִקֹּם וְלֹא יִטֹּר. וְזֶהוּ דַּרְכָּם שֶׁל זֶרַע יִשְׂרָאֵל וְלִבָּם הַנָּכוֹן. אֲבָל הָעוֹבְדֵי כּוֹכָבִים עַרְלֵי לֵב אֵינָן כֵּן אֶלָּא (וְעֶבְרָתָן) [וְעֶבְרָתוֹ] שְׁמָרָה נֶצַח. וְכֵן הוּא אוֹמֵר עַל הַגִּבְעוֹנִים לְפִי שֶׁלֹּא מָחֲלוּ וְלֹא נִתְפַּיְּסוּ וְהַגִּבְעֹנִים לֹא מִבְּנֵי יִשְׂרָאֵל הֵמָּה:

Mishne Torah, on Repentance 2:10

In Pirke Avot 5:11 it is written:

אַרְבַּע מִדּוֹת בַּדֵּעוֹת נוֹחַ לִכְעֹס וְנוֹחַ לִרְצוֹת יָצָא שְׂכָרוֹ בְהֶפְסֵדוֹ קָשֶׁה לִכְעֹס וְקָשֶׁה לִרְצוֹת יָצָא הֶפְסֵדוֹ בִשְׂכָרוֹ קָשֶׁה לִכְעֹס וְנוֹחַ לִרְצוֹת חָסִיד נוֹחַ לִכְעֹס וְקָשֶׁה לִרְצוֹת רָשָׁע:

At a Sunni Muslim site, called Qur’an Explorer, an excellent statement on anger was posted: 

“Anger is one of the worst things considered in Islam. Islam teaches love; to make bonds, to form relationships, to be positive, to not degrade someone, to not insult someone, to avoid each and every word that hurts the people and their self-esteem. Islam teaches the humanity better than any religion and this is why Islam discourages anger because anger destroys relationships and creates distances in people. It not only effects other people but it also effects the health of angry person as well.”

In Islam it is taught that true Muslims are:

وَالَّذِينَ يَجْتَنِبُونَ كَبَائِرَ الْإِثْمِ وَالْفَوَاحِشَ وَإِذَا مَا غَضِبُوا هُمْ يَغْفِرُونَ

Those who avoid major sins and indecencies, and forgive when angered.

 الَّذِينَ يُنْفِقُونَ فِي السَّرَّاءِ وَالضَّرَّاءِ وَالْكَاظِمِينَ الْغَيْظَ وَالْعَافِينَ عَنِ النَّاسِ ۗ وَاللَّهُ يُحِبُّ الْمُحْسِنِينَ

Those who spend in ease and adversity, and suppress their anger, and excuse [the faults of] the people, and God loves the virtuous.

Quran, 42:37, 3:134

Regardless if you are Jewish, Christian, or Muslim or affiliated to any other faith tradition, anger does not discriminate due to religious affiliation. Do not let anger rule and ruin your life. Calm down. Go for a walk. Rest. Relax. Trust the Almighty, who can give you strength to control and overcome anger.

Conside our tradition on דן לכף זכות  give the benefit of the doubt to whoever got you angry. He/she probably had a difficult time, a bad day, some other conflicts at home. In Pirke Avot 1:6 we read:

יְהוֹשֻׁעַ בֶּן פְּרַחְיָה וְנִתַּאי הָאַרְבֵּלִי קִבְּלוּ מֵהֶם

 יְהוֹשֻׁעַ בֶּן פְּרַחְיָה אוֹמֵר עֲשֵׂה לְךָ רַב וּקְנֵה לְךָ חָבֵר

וֶהֱוֵי דָן אֶת כָּל הָאָדָם לְכַף זְכוּת:

A very powerful advice about anger management comes from the great Rabbi Abraham Twerski. Listen to his words of wisdom: